I am throwing a pity party right now, and no one else is invited! My inspiration? I just had to brush my teeth because my chemo breath was making me gag! That's just the beginning! Why...when I ate a piece of bread the size of a chicken nugget...do I feel bloated and full? How can I be tired when I just slept for ten hours? Why did I feel fine yesterday morning, and the dang chemo sucker punched me today?
I thought a whole week of vacation with the family (at the pool, chilling in Las Vegas) would boost my immunity powers and this next-to-last treatment would take it easy on me. Think again, naked-headed sun goddess! I felt good enough to wake up at 3:00 am yesterday and went to work. Even though I half wished I had tossed the wig into the Bellagio fountains, I yanked it on and got ready for news at 4:55. It was no big deal...until about 7:30 when I started feeling a little green. (Not good skin tone in HD!) I left around 9:00, and I think I fell asleep on the couch before my husband could cover me with a blanket.
I kept thinking it would gradually get better (like usual) but it gradually got worse! I had stomach trouble unlike I've ever had. It didn't feel like queasy or constipation...more like a combination of both...and throw in a strange craving for mashed potatoes and gravy from KFC! My big kids can still snuggle me into feeling better, and my sweetie got me the mashed potatoes, that I couldn't really taste. Still went to bed feeling like I had the flu.
Around 2:45 am, I let the producers know I wouldn't be in...tried to go potty...then went back to bed. I slept with the windows open and the sound of the rain so soothing! Somehow, both kids got up, ready for school, and left before I had a chance to "help" them. I woke up at ten, feeling like I hadn't slept at all. Now I'm missing out on all of the news action at work, and will have to catch up even more tomorrow.
My co-workers will be glad I didn't tough it out today! I usually brush it off and say I'm okay, but this pity party train is at full speed in my house today! My teeth ache. I feel seven months pregnant. My tongue is swollen and tingly. My fingernails feel like they're peeling off from the base. My bald head is sweating and I look like an angry old man. My knees hurt. My stupid right eye has been twitching for two months now! And I'm tired of being tired!
Okay...I'll stop whining...the pity party train is losing steam. I feel a nap coming on. In a bit, I'll pick up the paper plates and throw away the leftover salsa. Actually, pizza sounds pretty good right now... ;)
Mary, I am so sorry you are feeling this way today. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you feel better tomorrow. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :)
ReplyDeleteLove, Erin Kenney
You are entitled to a pity party. You have been so optimistic, you can feel down now. It is fine to feel like crap with what you are going thru. We miss seeing you of course. Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to hear your pitty party truthfully. I've been jealous of how well you've been doing. I throw a pity party after every treatment. Sometimes you just have to. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteBreeAnn Allred
Sometimes we have to pity ourselves in order to see the blessings in our lives. You've pointed out two huge blessings in your life during your pity party. Your Sweetie and your Big Kids. Those are what you need to lean on during your pity party. Thank you for being an inspiration to all of us following you. You are truly an amazing person. Feel better and ride out the storm! The sun will shine again on you!!!! Shelly Adam
ReplyDeleteThanks for being real Mary! BEEN THERE, DONE THAT - it DOES get better. :) Lots of love to you!
ReplyDeleteMary, you are a great person to be so inspirational and not sugar coat what you are going through. There are times when I felt the same way, I am glad you are just about finished with your treatments.It does get better.
ReplyDeleteEsther Prettyman
Feel better and give yourself a break. Too bad "Iron Lady" has already been taken because I think you own the title.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, you deserve to have a pity party once in a while! Good luck and wish you the best
ReplyDeleteSweetest Mary. I pray for you constantly. You DO deserve a pity party. And as you can see by the comments there are others who are gaining strength from your words. I'm glad it is almost over. "throw the wig in the Bellagio",LOL good idea. Your picture of you wig-less is beautiful. you are beautiful no matter what.
ReplyDelete~a
You deserve to feel this way! Full Pity Party is A-ok! You are such an inspiration to so many. We miss you for sure but understand what you are going through. Hang in there!! Get as much rest as you need! Dayna
ReplyDeleteDid you say "next to last?" As in only one more? Woo-to-the-hoo, yo.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on making it through another treatment. You inspire all...
ReplyDeleteKFC mashed potatoes & gravy?? whatever works. Look forward to seeing you at the next game since they are canceled today.
Pity parties are most certainly allowed when your body is being as abused as it is.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one who had the ultra annoying eye twitch!
Sometimes ya have to ride the pity party train for a little while. As long as you remember to get off at your stop, don't feel bad taking the ride!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great description of the effects of chemo. This is very helpful to those of us who may not have experienced the effects but know someone who has. How helpful to have it explained so articulately. You're a hero and I hope your recovery goes better every day.
ReplyDeleteI missed the morning news yesterday, so I had not seen you for over a week. During the last week when I've listened or half-listened I hadn't seen your smiling face, but I hadn't heard the others mention where you were. I'm glad you able to vacation a bit and not just be home feeling miserable the whole time. You have been such an inspiration to all who view you. You deserve time off when you aren't feeling well, but know that your presence is missed. Thanks for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry it has hit you so hard this time! Just remember it does get better. After my pity parties my husband would take me out on the Harley. It was amazing how much better that made me feel! I loved the free feeling, like I was flying. After feeling so out of control it was fantastic to feel as if I was absorbing the power of the bike, I was back in control. Nothing like it in the world!
ReplyDeleteMary, it does get better. I wasa police officer in Ohio with 20 years in, when Uterine and Ovarian cancer hit me (stage II & III). The chemo left me with neuropathy and I was never todo my job that I loved and lived for. I found it slowed my brain way down and all my joints hurt every day. I live for today and enjoy gardening and my little farm. I'm 10 years cancer free and drive a school bus to keep busy. Just thank God your with us. Keep fighting this horrible illness.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you are in all our prayers. Your strength thru all of this has been amazing. What you're going thru is something that so many have to experience; and your attitude helps those, who may be feeling sorry for themselves, realize that family, friends, and faith are the three constants that see you thru it all. Blessings of strength, courage and love ascending for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHang in there beautiful lady. We are all rooting for you,
ReplyDeleteOh Mary, I am so sorry your feeling the affects of your chemo. I guess I have to say "this too shall pass". What a woman you are. You have hung tuff through all this. One more to go, then it will be uphill from then on. You are in my prayers, Mary.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear from you. I was wondering what you have been experiencing in your world since I haven't seen you during the days. Thank you for your honesty and honoring your feelings with each moment. My thoughts of healing energy are being sent your way. May you feel all the love from all of us that you touch.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being real w/us, even when it's not fun. It gives strength to others going through this and struggling.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved by so many!!
I wish I could write all the right things that would sooth you. I want to thank you too for being real & honest about your journey here on your blog. Watching Samantha go through breast cancer on 'Sex and the City' was very tame but your blog and your raw honesty is a whole different level. You're very generous with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you are lifted up and feeling more like yourself. You look lovely this morning on tv.
Tons of hugs to you!!!
The sun will come out tomorrow. We gain strength from every battle. My Mom and Sister went through Chemo (my sister also had radiation)for their Breast Cancer. They are well and healthy today. One day at a time Sweetie - if that is overwhelming one hour or one minute at a time. Use your support system - they work miracles and so does God. Love You - keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteMary, you're probably at the very worst of it now and it totally sucks, but watching you on the news, you make it look so easy. Been there and done that. My family and friends made all the difference in not staying down. you are one tough lady and when it's all said and done you will wonder how you made it and be there to tell someone else that they too will get through this. Sending the "GOOD VIBES" your way! Brenda
ReplyDeleteMary, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well but you are my inspiration. I went in for my mammography because of you and also found out I had breast cancer and had to have a masectomy. I am afraid of the hair loss shock, but I think my biggest fear so far has been the fear of the unknown. By your posts and you working and talking about it, it has helped eliminate some of the fear of the unknown and given me inspiration to work a modified work schedule while going through this (not to say I'm excited about going through it), because I see you be so upbeat I keep thinking...if Mary can do it..I can do it. Thanks for being you aand sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteThank you for getting checked, Les! I am so glad to hear that you got your screening, and that it will save your life as well. I agree that the unknown is the scariest, and hope that you go in full force to tackle your cancer. Please email me with more about your plan of attack, who you're seeing, when you start treatment, etc... My doctor said half of his patients handle chemo pretty well, the other half get hit hard. You don't get to choose, but you can be ready for either! Please write me soon! Nicklemc@kutv2.com or MNickles@kutv2.com
DeleteThanks, and GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Mary. You don't know me. I am a good friend of your brother, Pat. He told me your story a few months ago, but I just started reading your blogs. What an inspiration you are! I learned more from reading your blogs than what doctors told me as my mom was fighting breast cancer 2 years ago. My mom was lucky in that she caught it early during a routine mammogram. She had surgery and minor radiation. Keep up the positive attitude and keep blogging! It has been fun getting to know you through your blog. I look forward learning more about you, your journey and your support group! God bless.
ReplyDelete-Vicki Sell
Mary you can complain, kick, scream, shout, whatever it takes to beat the monstrous disease. We are there with you, and we pray that soon you will be clear as a courageous survivor! Your an example and source of strength to my sister as she follows your journey. Amy is on her next to last treatment also!
ReplyDeleteI find it amazing that in the midst of all this you found time to wish me a happy birthday. That humbles me and feeds my soul with joy and hope. Godspeed, jack and Cheryl
Mary I read you blog and it helps me not feel so isolated. I started weekly chemo at the end of February and won't finish until July. Weekly is brutal and the side effects are punishing. I was determined not to lose my hair because of all the things you have mentioned. The bald, scarf, big earring thing screams "I'm sick" and I wanted this to be a private fight in my own eco-system and not with the porter at the airport whom I'll never see again. So far - I still have my hair thanks to my husband and a cold cap treatment out if the UK. So far it makes me feel like I get to win something. It's taken my energy, my appetite, my sharp memory, my time from my family, my time from my job and my church, but I still have my spirit, my humor and my hair.
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog since you started it a few months ago. To me, this seems like the first time you have really been down for the count since you have begun treatment. I say WOOHOO!!! That's not bad at all! I know the feeling yucky isn't fun, but have come this far and are almost done. You are strong and awesome for hanging on there. This shall pass. You can do it. You have an awesome, supportive family and that makes all the difference. Hang in there!
You have every right to hop on that pity train and say whatever you need to say! We are right there with you! May you be blessed with strength and courage to get through these last treatments. You have been an amazing inspiration to everybody! God Bless!
ReplyDeleteYou are very strong Mary. I'm not quite sure how we do it. I have chemo every other week for almost 2 years now. The cumulative effects are horrible sometimes. Every other Sunday is tainted now knowing that I get injected with a really bad flu virus (chemo) on Monday. The 3 days of chemo, followed by the 4 days of the chemo flu... I say, life with my family and friends is worth it. KEEP GOING! You are often the conversation at the McKay Dee Chemo Lab. God bless you for being an inspiration and sharing the good with the bad!
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteIt's so interesting. I have lymphoma; found out end of November. Dr. Rasmussen removed my spleen in January and I started chemo Feb 6. I do every three weeks so you're ahead of me. Every single thing you mentioned in your post I went through this time also. I also had a huge headache...didn't know if you'd forgotten that or it just didn't happen.
ReplyDeleteThe worst for me (it's rather hard to decide when they've all been worse this time) is the weakness. I had to sleep for an hour after taking a shower. We both know that shower doesn't mean what it used to.
I'm so very sorry you're doing thing but you've been such an inspiration to everyone. I've felt the genuine spirit at every turn and I'm thankful to you for your honesty. I still haven't looked at my bald head.........so you are way a head of me. Good luck with the rest of the treatments.....just one more right? We're pretty sure I'll have two more if there aren't any surprises.
Thanks again Mary. You've opened up a conversation that long has been the "elephant" in the room.
huh. not so sure I should have read this, with my 5th of 6 chemo coming up next week. After the 4th treatment, my fingernails and toenails hurt (still do, 2+ weeks later) and I felt more down, more beaten by it. I hoped it was just a combination of #4 chemo and work-stress. now I wonder.
ReplyDeleteno! I am going to beat this! it's not going to beat me!
thank you for being so public with everything. people need to know, so they can stop being afraid.
I know with all the love, prayers and support dust you will be your fiesty self again soon. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteEvery morning my husband and I watch channel 2 news. If you're not there we worry that you're not feeling well. When you were gone for the whole week we really worried, so I was glad you wrote that you were with your family on vacation. Now you really are going through a tough patch and our thought are with you. We get a kick out of your sassy and fearless attitude even when you don't wear your wig. You're so cute and funny and we wish you the best with the journey you and your family(2 news family too) are facing.
ReplyDeleteYou keep up the great fight and beat this thing. Love to read your updates and being invited to your pity party! Thanks again and again for coming to visit a fellow "fighter". She still talks about it and is grateful to have met you. Hope the afghan is keeping you cozy. Keep your chin up and keep that sassy wit about you! With love, your O.C Tanner friend, MB
ReplyDeletemy husband last year found out about his cancer. He had six months of intensive chemo (every 21 days) that hospitalized him 2 times and almost killed him. Since those six months were up, he now does chemo every 60 days and it is scheduled for at least 2 years! I don't know what is worse, cancer or chemo! Just when he starts feeling good, he goes back for more! prayers are with you and others as they go thru this all! I am soooooooooo glad you talked about the price! One bag of chemo costs 17,000.00! So each time it is 21,000.00! but how do you put a price on life?
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I've loved watching you on the morning news for years. You are a true pro, but when the story hits home as it has with you, you are a true inspiration!! I admire your fight! God bless you and your family at home at work! Sincerely, a true fan, Scott A Barnum
ReplyDelete