LAST CANCER TREATMENT!!!

  Seven months ago, this week, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and today I will undergo the LAST treatment to make sure it is out of my body!  The 30th of 30 radiation treatments follows the four months of chemo-hell and the lumpectomy that got the tumor out!  I saw a quote from Winston Churchill on Facebook last week that I think sums up any battle against cancer:  "When you're going through Hell...Keep going!"
  As the chemo fog clears, and I begin to feel more like myself, the hellish part is more real.  In a way, while you're in the middle of that fog, and under the emotions of battle, you don't realize how dense and thick it is.  I can now admit that I was tired and sick almost every day, but ignored it.  The tough mom can't let anyone see a chink in her armor, and subconsciously, didn't want the opponent to see it either.
  I felt odd yesterday, when South Salt Lake City honored me as the Grand Marshall of their parade, because the theme was "Courage."  They said I displayed courage in going public with this personal battle... in how I've used this evil disease to encourage others to get screened... and in how staying public with it inspires others to push through life's battles.  I think real courage is what our troops, firefighters, police, and other heroes have when they choose to do the amazing things they do.  I didn't choose cancer.  No one does.  And to me, it wasn't a choice of whether to battle or not... it was a choice to just be stubborn and get through it!  I'd love to see a parade theme of "Stubbornness!"

  Keep going!  That's what we did when we were in Orlando last month.  We paid for a full day in Universal Studios theme park, and we were going to get our money's worth of fun, even though tropical storm Debby dumped sheets of rain on us...non-stop.  No exaggeration!  It poured all day!  A couple trips on the Harry Potter Dragon coaster melted my eyelash glue 'til it was dripping down my face. (Eventually forming a transparent crust down the sides of my face!)  I sat on a bench and pulled out my little tube of glue to do repairs...not caring that other sopping wet revelers could see.  And for the record- we got our money's worth and had a total soaking wet blast!

 Wet day at Universal Orlando!

  The hair, eyelash, and eyebrow dilemmas are the lingering daily pains-in-the-butt from chemo, and even with them, there are signs of recovery!  I noticed twisty little eyebrow hairs just this morning, and felt microscopic stubbles of eyelash too.  Most of my hair is a little over a half inch long, and it's an odd texture.  Some is strong and straight, and other hairs are thin and whispy, like baby hair.  It came in about 95% white, and I plan to color it tonight, so I can go wig-less when we celebrate with a family getaway weekend!
  It does keep getting better if you keep going.  I still come back to that quote and love the dual meaning of the words.  If you are going through Hell...don't stop in the middle of it, or you'll be there forever!  KEEP GOING, and you'll get through it.  I'm sure it's one of many battles in my life, and we'll keep going...
 

  I feel like a rookie all over again.  Our family is taking a quick flight for a weekend volleyball tournament, and I have no idea if flying will have a different effect on me because of chemo.  I know to be more careful about germs, but what about air pressure, dizziness, headaches?  One of my most common side effects of chemo is over-analyzing!  The good thing is- any little ache, pain, or mental lapse...I can blame on chemo!  But then I think...realistically, most things have been pretty much the same, even while I'm being poisoned.
  Chemo is geared to attack fast growing cancer cells, so it attacks fast growing healthy cells too.  That's why hair comes out, and the stomach lining is affected.  The medications have been working really well for my digestive system for the most part, and I'm now thinking about shaving the rest of my stubbly hair.  Maybe we'll do that this weekend.  I just hate the look of pity I get when people see my nearly naked head.  I think that's the main reason I wear wigs!  Some people don't show that they're shocked, but others, just for a second, the look of  "Oh my God, she's dying!" crosses their face.  I'm NOT dying!  I'm just on medicine that made my hair fall out!  Odds are this chemo is killing every cancer cell in my body (if there were any) and I will be okay.
  I think "that look" is one of the worst parts of chemo.  Some people shake right out of it and talk to me like normal, but I feel bad when people are so sad that they don't know what to say.  My kids and husband are fine with me going out bald, but I still feel uncomfortable being the one to make people so uncomfortable.  Does that make sense?  I'm not a hat person...and even though I have some gorgeous and super comfortable hats waiting to cover my dome...I haven't worn one yet.  Not scarves either.  I think scarves are pretty and comfortable, but I look in the mirror and it screams, "I HAVE CANCER!"  A lot of women rock the hats, scarves, and even the bald look...but I'm not brave enough just yet.
  I don't know if I'll take the wig off for the airplane flight, or if they'll give us a pity discount if I check in bald at the hotel!  I don't know if the wig will protect my head from sunburn, or if I'll have to take it off in a hot crowded gym.  Just like normal, we'll take each moment as it comes, and make it work! 
  BTW- I'm feeling on the upswing after chemo #4 last Friday.  SO thankful for family checking in on me, and friends who make me feel loved!  Chemo #5 is April 13th, and the last one May 4th.  ALMOST DONE!!!

No News is Good News

   I haven't posted anything for a while, because there really hasn't been much to talk about...and that's good!  Other than strange, symmetrical, itchy spots, my symptoms have been very mild.  Even the itching is more weird than troubling, and it's not painful at all.  It started with the palms of my hands...just itching in both hands at the same time.  Then the arches of my feet...again both at the same time!  It's not the skin itself, it feels like it's inside, and probably a form of neuropathy.  It's popping up in a few different spots and has lasted a few days.  But honestly, a few days of scratching beats a boatload of other symptoms in my book!
   Also, we were working on a news story to update my treatments so far, and to urge more people to schedule screenings for early detection.  I work with some pretty amazing people who make up a top notch team to put things like this together.  From management making the assignments, to the photographers, producer Carla, editors, webmasters, and more...it's quite the team effort to turn two months of treatment into two and a half minutes of television.  Our KUTV Web-team is posting the whole story for us here:

      Chemo #3 is this Friday, March 2nd, so we're planning on a rough weekend ahead, and maybe worse symptoms this time around...but hoping for continued mild side-effects again!
   If you have personal questions or stories, please email me so I can reply in confidence.  MNickles@KUTV2.com

Two Down...Four to Go!

 Even though I knew what to expect with the actual treatment this time, you still get the unexpected. (Like treatment #2 makes me a seasoned pro?)  First, it was great to have my Dad and step-mom here for the appointment, and for the birthday weekend for our twins.  They are so supportive and genuinely interested in how everything works, so it was wonderful to have them along while our photographer grabbed more shots for an upcoming story.  Dad is 87, but a pretty sharp, funny, and amazing guy...so he stepped up to entertain anyone who stopped by to say hello.
  The chemo room is an open area, with several windowed, open cubicles.  In each, two big recliner-treatment chairs for the patients, and a few extra chairs for folks cheering the patients on.  I met some new members of this ill-begotten club.  Vickie, my neighbor for this round, had been there since 8:30 in the morning.  Tough little cookie had some complications, and was still smiling and cracking jokes with the best of them!  And Nancy and her husband were over in the corner, sharing in the laughs to boost their spirits as they went through their first treatment.  (I hope my fuzzy chemo-brain didn't help me mess up their names!) 
  Dad and Marlys said it was inspiring to see how people light up when they get to share their story with our group.  I feel like I'm the one who benefits, because I absorb the positive energy and strength from every smile!  Like I've said, it is a club you never want to belong to, but once you get there, you meet some incredibly awesome and strong people!  I was praying for a new friend, Jil, going through her first treatment, and my new advisor, Leslie, came by with her husband for a little visit.  I hope that seeing everyone get on with regular life will help others do the same.  I know the chemo knocks some people on their can for quite a while, and I sure feel lucky to not have that kind of effect yet!  I hope those stuck in the more ravaging symptoms will hang in there and know we're all on the same team to beat this!
  This time around, I got my chemo Friday, and the Neulasta shot on Saturday, so if my bones hurt, I would have the weekend to get through it.  I'm assuming that the treatments might compound a little and make the symptoms worse, so I've been expecting more.  Friday we waited...twins birthday dinner from Texas Road House tasted great... no pain... Slept for hours... no pain... Watched my daughter play a few volleyball matches Saturday morning... got the Neulasta shot, and waited more.  No big pain.  Sunday, still no big pain, even went out for another birthday dinner! (Can't believe my twins are now 15 years old!  Best Valentine present ever!)
   Monday 3 am came way too early!  Plus, I took for granted that the wig would be in "ready for air" shape, and it took me a few extra minutes of fussing with it, setting me a few minutes late.  I was also feeling punky and had a little like a post-concert ear-ringing feeling as I got ready, but thought I could shape up and make it through the day.  Fake it 'til you make it, right?  I forgot my vitamins, didn't grab breakfast (so ate a handful of almonds when I got to work) stumbled through the three hour morning newscast, and decided to go home and take a nice, long nap!
   My sweetie, dad and Marlys just let me rest til the kids got home for their birthday dinner.  Turkey meatloaf and spinach salad are my new healthy specialty... then we had my son's late basketball game.  Both kids said it'd be okay with them if I didn't wear a wig, but apparently, I wasn't quite ready.  I think the noisy gym, intensity of the game, and irritation of the wig brought my headache back...but I wouldn't have missed my boy playing for the world!  Woke up glad that I went, and hopeful for another better day back on the right track to recovery!

  HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!  Give extra hugs to those you love EVERY day!!!  And thanks for sharing your stories and questions....we can all help each other a little bit!

Hair today....

  I now know the chemo is doing it's job!  Seriously...I haven't really felt any big effects of the poison that went into my body 14 days ago.  I have a little neuropathy in my fingers and toes, but VERY little...not even like dead skin, just weird. I had a little heartburn, and I have a normal head cold, and my regular tiredness because I get up for work at 2:30 in the morning.  I was wondering if the chemicals were strong enough to kill some stubborn cancer cells.  Then my hair started coming out! Yay, it's working!
  At first, I just reached to tug a little to see if it was starting.  About ten hairs came out while Debbie and Casey's jaws dropped.  I freaked a little too, but didn't think it was a big deal 'til the next pull (not hard, mind you!) and about 20 hairs came out.  Casey and I started looking for a wig store to set up coverage for the station, and for my head!  Tuesday afternoon, I went to Creative Wigs (with a producer and photographer) to document the styles and tricks of finding the right wig once my hair falls out.
  What a lesson!  I hoped to have fun looking at different styles and colors, and I did!  It makes me think that losing my stubborn, thick, solid white, strangely wavy hair won't be so bad!  The wigs gave me choices that I never thought I'd try, and I had fun with Carla and Mike's feedback.  (Mike liked the blonde a little too much!)  Wigs are expensive, and insurance only helps a little bit.  I figure I'm saving about 150 bucks a month for my cut and color, so I have a few months of hair money to play with and still save!  I bought two shorter, fun styles, and borrowed a highlighted, long cut that makes me look like my sister, Betsy!  (That's not a bad thing!)
  While making dinner tonight, I was worried my hairs would get on the counter and it grossed me out, so I ran a brush through my hair a few times.  A softball sized hairball confirms it's ready to come out.  Now I know what it's like to have thin hair (that doesn't look too bad.)  I know more will come out tomorrow, which will make it easier to tuck in a hair net, inside my new wig for Friday morning's newscast.  It's GO RED FOR WOMEN day, so I'm wearing red.... don't know which wig goes best with it, but it's fun to have choices!!!



  P.S. Heart disease kills more women than all cancers combined...so get your heart health tested too!

The Chemo Plan

My husband and I met with our Oncologist Monday, and I was surprised how much I was looking forward to the appointment!  I don't like not knowing what's next, and now we do...we will start Chemotherapy on Friday, January 20th.  I will continue to use "we," because it really is a team situation.  My husband and kids, my huge immediate family, my work family, and my wonderful network of friends are all going through this with me!  While I don't want any of them to suffer, I know they're there beside me in spirit, and I feel the strength.

        Now for the nasty news: because my tumor was "triple negative" for hormone receptors, it puts me in a more rare category for therapy (less than 15% of breast cancers are triple negative.)  They can't use tamoxifen or any of the hormone blocking chemos, so they are recommending two chemo cocktail options including Taxotere, Cytoxan, and possibly Adriamycin.  Adriamycin comes with elevated risks for a couple of scary long term things, so we are trying to decide if the risks outweigh the cancer killing benefits.  This is the same regimen recommended by the oncologist who met with us in the multidisciplinary clinic before the surgery.

For the record, my tumor was 1.3 centimeters (Stage one), two lymph nodes were clear, but grade 3 in invasiveness.  Add the triple negative fun factor, and they're going to use some "Badass" chemo to get it, no matter what.  Dr. Whisenant says I will lose my hair, and likely my eyebrows and eyelashes, but he says many women have been able to work through the fatigue, neuropathy and other side effects.

      My sister, Toni, went through chemo for a different kind of breast cancer three years ago, and she GAVE me her two wigs while we were home for Christmas.  (I say "gave" because I do not want it to be a "loan."  I don't want her to ever need them back!)  I am already working to find someone who can help me with natural looking eyelashes that I won't have to re-apply every day, and I'll have to practice my eyebrow artwork for a while.

The plan so far is four doses of chemo, one every three weeks.  We will meet with the doctor again next Monday, after picking the brains of many others, to make sure we're doing the right thing.  We also plan to shoot the first chemo treatment for a news story...gotta do it before my hair is gone!  I also think sharing the process helps me feel less helpless, if that makes sense.  I don't like waiting or not being able to do anything...so maybe talking about it publicly helps me feel like I'm doing something constructive.  Cancer survivors are "talking" with me, and maybe it's a bond that helps both of us get through it all.  I'm finding I have more friends than I ever imagined!

Overwhelmed!

  I honestly think I stressed more about revealing my cancer news than I have about having cancer!  Great people stepped up to help edit, produce, fix, blog, laugh, shoot, and call, so things would go the way I wanted them to.  I hated the shots of me tearing up, and I hate being the center of attention, but other than that, things went well, and I'm glad it's over! I'm visiting oncologists today and Monday, so hope to know more about my treatment soon.  
  The best news is that my doctor told me their screening center had tons of calls for women scheduling mammograms!  That's what we were all hoping for.  I don't want anyone to play favorites though... Everyone needs some kind of screening, not just for breast cancer.  Men, don't put off your blood pressure, cholesterol, and prostate screenings.  Men and women, don't put off your colonoscopies and annual exams.  One doctor told me that people take better care of their car check-ups than they do for their bodies, and he's right!  You don't want your body to break down on the side of the road, do you? (Okay- off my soapbox now!)
  While I mentioned that I haven't cried much, I really did sit at my computer at home last night, and cried while reading so many heartfelt emails, facebook posts, and blog comments.  The kids were busy doing homework and didn't notice, but the outpouring of support touched me, and gave me what felt like more power.  I know the fight is mine, but it boosted my spirits and confidence to find out I have a lot of friends in my corner with guidance, advice, and moral support.  I apologize if I don't respond directly to everyone, because I did read every one of them!  And I have no way to express the good feelings I have about old friends and new friends sending sincere thoughts and prayers- Thanks so much!!!
  The death of the Ogden Police Officer was so much more horrible than anything in my life, and it reminds us all to hug a little tighter, and keep our loved ones closer.  Enjoy your weekend!  

A New Beginning

It's New Year...when the optimist in me says, "Let's make it the best year ever!  This is the year things will go great for all of us!"  But this year, that optimist is sharing the front seat with someone who's scared of what's to come in 2012.  Cancer will do that.  Even though my cancer was caught early, and I'm healthy to face chemo and radiation, cancer is scary.

I don't want to feel weak. I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want my family to have to take care of me. I especially don't want to share all of this with a lot of people I don't even know...but it's all going to happen that way, because it has to.

As a news reporter and anchor in Utah for more than 20 years now, I have to see sharing this as an opportunity to tell a story that might save someone's life.  Funny...doing an awareness story saved my life!  I did a mammogram story late in October thinking that by seeing how easy it is for me to do, others will follow through on their screenings. 





The mammogram I had that day is what detected a small tumor in my left breast.

Things happened quickly as we went through more testing. Words kept getting scarier:  "Small, caught early, curable."  "Ultrasound, biopsy, CANCER."  "MRI, surgery, CHEMO."  "Lumpectomy, possible mastectomy, RADIATION."

Like covering a news story, I had to look further into every word, and every possible angle. I am becoming a regular on Cancer Information websites to find answers, but not always really wanting to know.  Hope for the best, and plan for the worst.  It seemed like every step of the way, the worst case scenario was the answer for my case. Yes, it's malignant. Yes, it's invasive. No, it can't be treated with hormone attacking therapy.

I will be a bit relieved once this is all public and I don't have to explain everything to everyone I tell.  I do fine when I keep it to the positive and the clinical explanations, but a few times, when first telling some friends, emotions came out.  Not really breaking down, but sad at having to give someone bad news.  I haven't cried as much as I thought I would.  I feel like I have to stay strong to keep everyone else positive.  I am really determined to keep my life and activities as normal as possible through everything that's to come.

Our twins will turn 15 in February, and I'll likely be going through chemotherapy for their birthday.  I will not missmy son's basketball games, and will cheer (with unsolicited coaching) at my daughter's volleyball tournaments!  I will drag my butt out of bed at 2:30 in the morning to get to work on time. Maybe I can sleep an extra half hour, if I have to wear a wig!  I will cook my favorite meals for my family, and not let my awesome husband become a full time nurse for me (even though he's pretty dang good at it!)

The doctors through all of this have been incredible.  Dr. Brett Parkinson is overseeing my care and is the one who diagnosed my cancer. Dr. Clark Rasmussen is the surgeon who removed the tumor and two lymph nodes with expert precision and care.  (The lymph nodes were cancer-free, btw!)  I had the surgery right before going home to Seattle for Christmas, and my huge, supportive

family helped me heal and keep the positive attitude!  I can't really write about all the friends and co-workers who are great through this, because I'd have to start another paragraph, and they'd say this is too long already!

I'll try to do updates every week or so.  In the meantime- get your screenings, and spread the word!!!