Thursday, March 29, 2012

  I feel like a rookie all over again.  Our family is taking a quick flight for a weekend volleyball tournament, and I have no idea if flying will have a different effect on me because of chemo.  I know to be more careful about germs, but what about air pressure, dizziness, headaches?  One of my most common side effects of chemo is over-analyzing!  The good thing is- any little ache, pain, or mental lapse...I can blame on chemo!  But then I think...realistically, most things have been pretty much the same, even while I'm being poisoned.
  Chemo is geared to attack fast growing cancer cells, so it attacks fast growing healthy cells too.  That's why hair comes out, and the stomach lining is affected.  The medications have been working really well for my digestive system for the most part, and I'm now thinking about shaving the rest of my stubbly hair.  Maybe we'll do that this weekend.  I just hate the look of pity I get when people see my nearly naked head.  I think that's the main reason I wear wigs!  Some people don't show that they're shocked, but others, just for a second, the look of  "Oh my God, she's dying!" crosses their face.  I'm NOT dying!  I'm just on medicine that made my hair fall out!  Odds are this chemo is killing every cancer cell in my body (if there were any) and I will be okay.
  I think "that look" is one of the worst parts of chemo.  Some people shake right out of it and talk to me like normal, but I feel bad when people are so sad that they don't know what to say.  My kids and husband are fine with me going out bald, but I still feel uncomfortable being the one to make people so uncomfortable.  Does that make sense?  I'm not a hat person...and even though I have some gorgeous and super comfortable hats waiting to cover my dome...I haven't worn one yet.  Not scarves either.  I think scarves are pretty and comfortable, but I look in the mirror and it screams, "I HAVE CANCER!"  A lot of women rock the hats, scarves, and even the bald look...but I'm not brave enough just yet.
  I don't know if I'll take the wig off for the airplane flight, or if they'll give us a pity discount if I check in bald at the hotel!  I don't know if the wig will protect my head from sunburn, or if I'll have to take it off in a hot crowded gym.  Just like normal, we'll take each moment as it comes, and make it work! 
  BTW- I'm feeling on the upswing after chemo #4 last Friday.  SO thankful for family checking in on me, and friends who make me feel loved!  Chemo #5 is April 13th, and the last one May 4th.  ALMOST DONE!!!

12 comments:

  1. Hi Mary, Again you show what an amazing woman you are!! I'm so happy that your making such terrific progress and that you write about your feelings without any hesitation. As you can tell by my posting picture, I'm a guy, a 66 year old guy. When I was a little kid my Mom would make me wear a scarf over my head. I tried to find a picture of me on my bike with that damned scarf on. That wasn't a good look for me!! :-) Ok, back to reality, your a beautiful woman that would look good with your head shaved, wearing a hat, or scarf!! Do what ever makes you feel good!! I'm wishing the very best to you and your family!!

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  2. Woot woot, so close to being done! Have fun on your weekend getaway :)

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  3. Always love reading your story. You have such a great attitude and you are so funny! I guess it's true when they say "laughter is the best medicine"! Have a great trip!

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  4. Mary your such a great example. A true member of the Pink Ribbon Sisterhood. I am sending Good, no great thoughts your way.

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  5. I just took my kids for a weekend visit to Great Wolf Lodge which meant three days at the water park without my wig or scarf - just my stubbly little bald head. It was so liberating to just own it and say "Yeah, I had cancer, yeah I'm bald, but I'm living my life and enjoying my family so don't give me what I call the 'head-tilt-pity-face' and feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me.

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  6. Now I'm not sure what to do. Should I keep shaving my head in support of you, or should I keep it short and stubbly for you? (I'm going to keep shaving it. Just so you know.)

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  7. Hi Mary, my name is Sara. I am a 31 year old mother and wife and have been recently diagnosed with Non Small Cell Lung Cancer (adenocarcinoma) I just had the left lower lobe of my lung removed 2 weeks ago. I start chemo in 4 weeks. I just wanted to say that it gives me hope when I read your blog. I am so afraid of what the chemo is going to do to me but I know I have to do it. Seeing your smiling face and your up beat attitude gives me courage to do the same. It is my prayer for you that you will be healed after this last treatment. As always thank you for sharing your journey!

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  8. Way to Go sweet Mary! I'm praying and cheering for you. <3
    ~anita h

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  9. Hang in there Mary! Your public display of strengh is amazing. You give me strength in knowing I'm not alone. I've been fighting appendix (colon) cancer for what will be 2 years in June. Talking with other with cancer and seeing warriors like yourself always give me more strength to go the distance. Bless you!

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  10. Hi Mary, I don't know if you remember me from before, but I was diagnosed with cancer too. I have stage 2b invasive ductal carcinoma. I had a lumpectomy and they found 2 lymph nodes that had cancer, one had it's own tumor. I have now had 1 chemo treatment and next Monday have #2. I have not lost my hair, but am experiencing the same dread for the same reasons. I don't want people to look at me like I'm dying, or even just awwwwwww. I just want to get through my treatment and move on with my life. I have to have 8 treatments and then 5 - 6 weeks of radiation. The yucky thing is I was terminated from my job and now I have to either pay COBRA or switch to breast cancer medicaid. Not an easy thing as you can imagine. You are truly an inspiration to me and I'm sure others because of your positive attitude! Keep it up Mary! Woot woot!

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  11. Mary,
    Good luck with your treatment tomorrow! I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way! Hope you are doing well. Hang in there and have a good and relaxing weekend!
    Love,
    The O.C Tanner friend (m.b.)

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